JOKE OF THE WEEK                             

December

The Monkey

A young woman was walking her baby through the park one day when she noticed an old drunk man staggering down the path.

The old man goes up to the lady and pokes his head into the pram and says: "By god woman, that is the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The lady starts crying as the old man wanders away. Just then a park warden approaches the lady, "Mam, why are you crying?"

"Well, see that old man, he just insulted me terribly."

"There, there Mam," replied the warden, picking a handkerchief from his coat - "Here's a hanky for you and here's a banana for the chimp..."

November

The Worst First Date Story

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, here it is again. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates.... but this takes the cake.

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

The Elbow

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

Two Teenage Boys Drug Bust

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.

The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"

The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.

Curious Little Boy

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

The Talking Dog

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There isn’t a such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, and never takes me for a walk. I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

October

The Pumpkin

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

The Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Sex on the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Halloween Costume

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up you're ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

September

Two Drunks

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free. They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."

The second man agrees to this and they start their rounds. When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer. The bartender tells them, "That will be three dollars."

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

"You faggots!" screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!" They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees. The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"

"You think you've had it bad," the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog four bars ago!"

Dinner with the Pharmacist

A boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

The Single Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, with his 2 six packs of beer, watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "! ! Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as shit

Pest Control Inspector

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

August

A Blonde Day Off

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're going?

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn 't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese - Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

The 92 yr. Old Man

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

July

The Confession

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Liver and Cheese

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

The Two Nuns

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster,too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!

My Pet Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

June

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

Job Security Test

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a "laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.



Scoring this testMostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.

Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk. Mostly

C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

Blonde Walkman

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

May

The Bear

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female." The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

The String and The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also ad a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man- hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had strings hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me,but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

April

Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched with the tip of my finger..."

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!"

Tequila for Mi Amor

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexicanis stunned.

The Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid... smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to gettwo glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks untilthe sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."

ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!!!

The Irishman

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Do you have a joke that you would like to see published? mail it over! inquiry@frantikmagazine.com